The US has announced a revolutionary new waste disposal plan. It aims to outsource all of its residual waste to China, before a joint programme between the two nations will see the waste deposited on the moon.

Some commentators are claiming the remarkable announcement is an attempt by the two nations to reduce tensions in light of perceived fears over Chinese ownership of American debt.

The news comes after Greenpeace condemned the US Navy for allegedly dumping toxic waste into Subic Bay in the Philippines. Speaking of the incident, Greenpeace Oceans Campaigner Vince Cinches said: “This deliberate dumping of toxic substances is an additional assault to the already sorry situation of our marine ecosystem and may further affect the lives of people dependent on our seas…

“Unfortunately, this is another example of how the lax implementation of environmental laws is destroying our natural resources.”

So, in response, the US plans to circumvent the environmental laws on this planet entirely by taking its waste elsewhere. Speaking at a press conference last night (31 March), US government spokesperson April La Feuille said: “This policy demonstrates the United States' commitment to leading the way on innovative waste disposal techniques.

“By exporting our waste with nations who share our desire to rid the world of burdensome environmental regulations, we are striking a blow for freedom the world over.”

Her Chinese counterpart, Wei Pri Ful, echoed the sentiment: “China’s utmost priority must be the efficient management of its resources. By sending our waste to the moon, we are ensuring that we will have one less resource crisis to deal with.

“Truly, we are welcoming in the Chinese Year of the Plastic Bag in a fitting manner.”

The process

The joint project will see American residual household waste, as well as some hazardous wastes, collected in the normal fashion. It will then be sent to Carefree Solutions, a government sub-contractor, who will then ship it to China from its base in Los Angeles.

Upon reaching China, the waste will be sorted and processed, to ensure only non-recyclable or non-compostable waste leaves the earth’s confines, before the remainder is loaded onto one of three government spacecraft, which will run alternating trips to the moon. Once the craft are no more than 10 feet above the moon’s surface, the waste will be jettisoned and left to float down to the ground below.

“We believe in small government”, said La Feuille. “By allowing the waste to make its own way to the surface of the moon, we are letting it stand on its own two feet, independent and free from government handouts. That’s the American way.

“The best part about this project is that, once on the moon, the waste will be invisible to the naked eye. With their waste out of sight and out of mind, the American people will be able to focus on enjoying freedom without having to worry about irritating problems such as environmental degradation.”

Commenting at the press conference, Mr Wei said: “This project represents China’s latest strides in becoming a world leader. We are proud to stand with our American colleagues and rid our people of the tyrannical burden of taking their garbage to the dump. We are sure that the Chinese people will greet this project with a 99 per cent approval rating; we are confident of this because we run the polling booths.

“This news will only be available on Chinese government news websites,” he concluded.